The Fourth Trimester

If you are anything like me as a new mom, you have had moments of being overwhelmed by conflicting information on how to handle your child the first few months. There are some books that preach starting a routine and that it is okay to cry it out. There are some that are some people that say you can't spoil your baby and others say differently. After reading a book last night called "The Happiest Baby On The Block" I was very intrigued by this concept of the Fourth Trimester which is probably not a new concept but it was the first I had heard it described this way. Dr. Harvey Karp states that it takes babies an additional three months just to 'wake up' to life. This is called the Fourth Trimester and during this time you should treat your baby like he/she is still in the womb. Holding and calming the baby as much as possible and doing everything you can to ease their crys. This is the first time I have heard a doctor say that a baby crying a little bit is not good for them. They are in the building trust phase and they don't need to cry to develop a good healthy set of lungs.

After discovering that there really is a 'waking up' point for babies - I do like the idea of treating the first few months like another trimester. It seems to me that this is really the most important one of all.

I have litterally read all I could about different viewpoints on sleeping habits/schedules/etc... This is what I have come up with ~ "Every parent will eventually find their own way of doing things for their child" Some will have the need to let the baby cry themselves to sleep once in awhile, some will soothe every chance they get and some will have a happy medium. What I know to be true at this point is that you can't have too high of expectations right of the bat. Each day gets easier and your instincts are always correct.

I have a feeling that we as new moms will feel another 'rebirth' after the fourth month. Our lives will slowly wake up again too!

"Pass The Baby Please"

We've learned the hard way...
BABIES DON'T LIKE TO BE PASSED AROUND

It is difficult on babies to go from person to person to be held. Our newborn can take about 1 or 2 different people holding him without going into a complete meltdown. I have a few other new mom friends that have been discussing the dreaded 'passing of the baby' with me over the holidays. The anxiety that comes with being a new mom seems to only become magnified over the holidays. It is not that we don't get excited to share this beautiful day with our families, yet now that we have a child everything becomes so much more complicated. It is completely understandable to look at a newborn and want desperately to hold them and love on them, especially when seeing them for the very first time. Therefore, I struggle with our doctors suggestion of letting only immediate family hold the baby due to germs & cold and flu season, not to mention the over-stimulation that happens when passing around. Although, in the long run we are the ones that are left with the consequences when it's all said and done. I have tried to think of a million ways to say "I'm sorry you can't hold him right now" while sounding sincere and not hurting anyone's feelings. Any thoughts out there?

My other mom friends have reminded me that we, as parents, are the only advocate this child has in their life. We need to speak up for him in order to keep him safe and comfortable. Therefore, I will do my best this holiday season to find nice ways to say "Please don't pass the baby!" even if that makes me the bad guy in the end... Wish me luck!!!

It's a 'man' thing...

As much as I thought that parenthood created a club and bond between all 'moms' (see first blog), I have now been proven otherwise. My husband and I went to Panera on Sunday. We are still learning the ropes of how to get out of the house with a little one. It is very new to us and we are not quite comfortable yet being in public ~ "What if he cries the whole time?" "Where will we feed him?" "How do we change him?" "The carrier is heavy, the stroller is awkward and he is growing out of his sling?" "How will we warm up his bottle when it's time?" and the list still goes on....

Panera seemed like a family friendly option for lunch, even though we both wanted something different - we decided this was a good baby place. We ordered, found a quiet table in the back and prayed he would not start screaming ~ for at least a few minutes. We looked so frazzled, and very tired. If you would have walked by our table - you may have laughed at the lack of conversation taking place. It was more of lets scarf down this food quickly because there is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode any minute.

As I sat there quietly, I realized in a matter of twenty minutes my husband got two different head nods from two different dads walking by our table. I started to get tickled thinking how there is an underlying appreciation between fathers. They both had families - and none of them knew each other. Yet it was the typcial nod of the head men do to say "hey man, been there done that - and I get it" .

These nods made me realize that although men are not all that great at communicating - this little gesture of the head said everything ~ It is the same type of club that we as mothers have, but there is no telling of stories, or exhausting the obvious. It's their own 'man club'...

"I Ran Out"

I was addicted to ice cream when I was pregnant. I ate old fashioned vanilla bean ice cream every night before bed.

Now that our baby has arrived I still have this craving (which I can no longer blame on pregnancy). Therefore, I have diligently changed to eating 'vanilla frozen yogurt' instead... trying to be better... Eating it has become my personal moment I take for myself at night. Just me and my dessert in the few minutes we have before bed.

My husband made a joke earlier this week as I was complaining about the taste difference. He made an analogy between our relationship to my vanilla ice cream craving. He said he felt like before parenthood we were like 'old fashioned vanilla bean ice cream' and now days we are more like 'frozen yogurt'. I laughed... but had to think long and hard about what he meant without getting my feelings hurt. I came to the conclusion he was talking about how we used to indulge in each other and now days we have to be a bit more responsible with our decisions putting the baby above ourselves at the moment.

Let's be honest, the beginning days / weeks or months of first time parenthood can take a toll on a relationship. Yes, there is now a huge bond between the two of you having created a human life linked of both bloodlines. This definitely gives you both a different kind of closeness, but then there is also a slight emotional strain on your connection. Personally, we find ourselves passing each other in the hallway with a tired 'hello' - or leaving the house with a quick 'luv ya babe' - or sending a text message during the day that just says 'thinking 'bout ya'. It's hard enough to have an adult conversation about anything else other than your babies bowel movements for the day, yet it is even more difficult to think of ways to be romantic.

When we were dating and our first year of marriage I can honestly say I felt so spoiled with romantic gestures. Everything from random flowers, love notes and surprise trips. The effort seemed so simple at the time for both of us. People would always tell me 'Don't worry that will change after marriage and kids" but I could never believe them.
Now jokingly, I said to my husband last week "remember how you used to leave me love notes on post it notes every morning on our bathroom mirror?" "I wonder what happened to that part of us?" I very nicely asked. We both laughed as he so simply said
"I ran out of post its"


It was then I realized we need to get back to our old fashioned vanilla bean ice cream thinking days ~ and to start... I need to give up some of my own personal things, such as this addiction to 'dessert time' that selfishly takes quiet moments away from us at night.

I still have this huge giant brand new bucket of frozen yogurt in the freezer."What will I do with it now that I have decided to make my effort? Throw the dessert away?" Definitely NOT...I've decided I too can wait till 'I run out' before I give it all up.

But as soon as I run out, I promise to start changing my cravings to rediscovering the little romantic elements incorporated into our relationship everyday. That way we can hopefully make a start to indulge in each other again instead of things like 'dessert time'.

It's amazing how much something as little as a post it note can do to reconnect your feelings. I've added it to my shopping list this month!

My Favorite Things...

So everyone knows Oprah has her 'Favorite Things' show and the crowd goes crazy over it each year. As I was sitting there this year watching it from my comfy couch, I was absolutely amazed by some of the audience members. Now...don't get me wrong ~ I realize these are absolutely awesome gifts ~ very cool things to own ~ and how lucky are they to be in the audience that day? BUT, inevitably there are always a few folks that take it to the extreme. I cannot help but get a little chuckle out of the tears and screams I am witnessing. Just when I think I understand their emotions, that is when I really started to wonder ~ are these things THAT life changing to these people that they break down in hysterics ~ arms in the air as they are praising Jesus? Now I cannot judge their personal emotions but THIS year I have decided to have my own favorite things list too. These are the very simple small things that I feel I may break down into hysterics over and put my arms up in the air praising Jesus...

My child looking at me and smiles in recognition.
Rocking my baby to sleep at 3am in the dark.
When he snuggles his whole body and head right up underneath my chin.
Listening to my husband saying lovable things to our son over the monitor with him forgetting it is on.
Looking at this baby and seeing characteristics from both sides of our family together in one person.
Tip toeing into his bedroom to peek at him while he is sleeping and finding the most adorable position anyone has ever seen. You only wish everyone in the world could witness his cuteness at this moment.
Wrapping my baby up in a towel after his bath time and rocking him while we snuggle.
The softness of the back of his baby neck.
Getting a glimpse of my husband kissing, hugging and talking 'baby talk' to our son.
Hearing him wake up from his nap making cute little playful noises.
The relationship your marriage takes on after now realizing you are a family and nothing else matters.

I realize it's fun to get presents, and have gadgets and the newest of the new ~ but this year my mindset has personally taken another perspective. It's all the little things that add up to the big giant thing of being a new mom... that's my new favorite thing!

Mommy Guilt

imagine...You are newly pregnant and in the sick phase of the first trimester. The only thing that sounds good to you is Wendy's frosty and french fries. You pull through the drive through and order the craving you've been dreaming about all day (whatever that might be for you). You think you are finally in heaven as the scent fills up your car. You drive away with the only food that your stomach requests. Before you even leave the parking lot, you must pull out a french fry ~ scoop it into your chocolate frosty ~ and put it to your lips...
All of a sudden, as you put the fry in your mouth you find instead of savoring the taste, you are suddenly filled with a tremendous amount of guilt rushing through you. You can't believe you just ordered something so greasy while carrying a child who is relying on you to nurture it with healthy food. You decide you can't enjoy this fry but you will eat it anyway. You make a comprise in your head - I will eat it but not enjoy it. You see, this is just the beginning of the infamous 'mommy guilt' and it has now started a long lived relationship with you. As far as relationships go, this one is consistent and always reliable - it is constantly communicating with you - and never leaves your side. It evolves and changes each day, and there is a hint of it in almost everything you do.

My new found relationship with Mommy Guilt will soon be a recurring theme behind many of my posts.

But for today - I just wanted to introduce you to my new companion...

The Right of Passage...

The first 4 to 6 weeks of 'bringing home baby' were by far the most amazing, stressful, exciting and scary thing that has ever happened to me...

When we find out we are pregnant for the first time, we run out immediately and buy pregnancy books. We read everything we can about what is to come next in our 10 months - (40 weeks-hello!!!). We talk to our friends, read every magazine, watch baby stories and completely immerse ourselves with our growing belly. We talk about how we are carrying it, how much weight we are gaining, how sick we feel, what our nursery looks like and when we have our next doctors appointment. It is at this point, we realize that our personalities are changing. We are becoming our pregnancy and find out that we are 'one of those girls' that has nothing else to talk about...but we are finally understanding that and are ready to embrace it...

Then we go through the moment of watching our baby come into the world. At that point, we have nurses and family there to help us get through the first 36 hours. We are stressed about breastfeeding, emotional and trying our hardest to do everything perfect right off the bat. We are on an adrenalin rush and excited to have visitors in the hospital, although it is exhausting. We wonder when the nurses are going to take this baby to 'their real parents' because we can't possibly believe that this little life is now our responsibility.

We are excited to leave the hospital being wheeled out by a nurse which is that surreal moment we always wondered if would really happen? We take our baby outside for the first time and at that moment our anxiety sets in. We are scared to death in the car ride coming home. Is our car seat installed correctly? Are we putting our baby in it the right way? No one checked it before we left? They just dropped us off at the front door of the hospital and here we are...We keep telling our husbands to take back roads and drive slowly. We pull up to our house for the first time realizing we are walking through the front door a new family. We take pictures and try to take a deep breath and take the moment in to remember always. It all seems like a dream. We realize that most likely our husband has been the only one to change a diaper in the hospital because we were in bed and now it is our turn. As soon as we get done changing a diaper, it's time to feed again. There is no down time it seems. In the back of our minds we are wondering when can I sit down and eat and take a nap? The answer is clear - but we haven't decided to believe it yet.

Family is around, and although we are glad and appreciative of them there ~ we come to find out that we needed some time on our own to 'become a family' together without outside help. We are overwhelmed with guests and trying to be good hosts - while still trying to exclusively feed our babies every 1 1/2 to 2 hours. We are bleeding profusely, our nipples are sore, we are unable to go to the bathroom without changing our own diapers. We are in pain, on medication, haven't slept in who knows how long and we are noticing our stomach now hangs over our pajama pants ~ hanging like dead skin. We are scared to look 'down there' because we know that we aren't going to like what we see ~ Although, we just did the most amazing - beautiful thing anyone can do - we don't feel pretty. We wonder if our husband notices how unpretty we feel? We can't emplain why, but for some reason we feel an ounce of resentment towards our loving husband. We know it is wrong, but we can't control it at this point. We just can't explain to them the amount of responsibility and commitment we feel towards having to feed this child. It is a beautiful priveledge we receive to be able to do this, yet we are a slave to our breasts...and it is an overwhelming feeling of being trapped at moments. We no longer have any 'personal space' and our lives seem so much more changed than theirs at this point. We are thankful for that, yet can't help but feel it gives us a right to be a little 'bitchy' at times.

Days and nights run together for awhile and it all becomes a blur. Emotions are high, tensions are high - yet we are thanking God every second for this beautiful experience. It just starts to sink in that we prepared intensely for pregnancy but we are now here in the thick of parenting and we don't really know what we are doing...

This is our right of passage ~

It's "all good"

My life has changed so drastically that I found myself today covered in baby pee and spit up and rather than changing my clothes and immediately putting them in the wash or taking a shower - I decided it was 'all good' - it was MY baby's urine and spit, therefore it made it okay. I do everything I can to make sure he is wiped up, bathed and changed - yet I found no need to worry about me. This is the inevitable moment I realized that I am no longer living for myself. There is a beauty to that feeling and also a tremendous amount of sadness. We must remember that these little tiny moments can add up years later to us looking back and wondering 'where did my personality go?' and 'who am i outside of being a mom?'

I will strive to change my shirt the next time SPIT happens (yet, I can't promise)...

Here we go...It's a Mom's Club World

It is the first post on my new blog. I have so many insights and things in my head that right off the bat I can think of 20 different topics I want to post. Let me start off by telling you that I am not a writer, just a 32 year old, new mother with random thoughts and feelings I would like to share. I haven't decided who I am sharing them with, yet somehow having them out in cyberspace feels therapeutic to me. These are times of learning the 'ropes' of being a new mom.

There is no instruction book for raising a child or figuring out how to juggle the thoughts and feelings that come with it. I have come to learn that there is an underlying 'club' when meeting another mother. You don't even have to say a thing, they just get it. I had always heard this before but didn't understand the truth of it completely until recently. I felt there needed to be a place to discuss those 'underlying' topics that may or may not ever get discussed behind closed doors.

Every mom in the world automatically enters into this 'Mom's Club' - the most life changing thing that ever happens to a woman. It really feels like an official organization possibly without the recognition. We are all our own Club Presidents.. there are dues we pay, initiation moments, a constitution of rules and guidelines, daily preparation, and we are always recruiting new members. Those full bellied folks we see at the grocery store or around town and we feel obligated to speak to them about our mommy club moments... It is a right of passage ~ and now I personally have finally arrived!

I hereby call this meeting to order!